Split second

In life, when a minor situation occurs like breaking a glass cup on the floor, its quite peaceful to know that within a few minutes the mess will be cleaned, and life is back to normal. What about when you are faced with a situation that is out of everyone’s control. You feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel and the darkness will never end. You feel all the little problems starting to pile up. You feel hopeless. You eagerly search for that split second that validates the beauty of life and when you find it you plant a seed. A little seed of hope eventually blossoms into a world of limitless opportunities. With just the right amount of love and support each day until you blossom into a rose. Before you know it, things begin to make sense.

My family and I moved to long island Ronkonkoma seven months ago. Before the quarantine, my routine consisted of me waking up at 5 in the morning, taking the train at 6:39 am, arriving at campus around 9:10am if the trains were on time. I had class until 2 and then I would commute to Brooklyn to work until it was time for the next train back. I got home at 6:30 pm every day. I would eat and rush to take a shower so I could get a good night’s rest before having to do the same thing the following day. It was so repetitive that I found myself lost. I was just lost. I was existing but not living. I felt robotic. I did not have time for myself or to feel any emotion. If I were upset or having a bad day, I would brush it off and remind myself to stay focused I had work to do. I did not allow myself to be expressive because to me that was distracting. Fast forward to present. When time has stopped. Everything is still. Allowing myself to feel was no longer a choice. I was home 24 hours a day with no distractions. No excuses. I found that all the emotions I was trying to hide before had evolved into anger. I became angry with myself because I was so hard on myself for no reason. I expected too much from myself that when I did not live up to my expectations, I sought it out as failure not a minor setback. Even when it just meant I was having a bad day. I cared about all the things you should not as a nineteen-year-old. I have accepted that if I did not deal with it now it will continue to have this snowball effect. And by the time I am thirty years old I will continue to carry the same weight. But how do I untangle such a complicated problem within. This was new for me. I knew It was my responsibility to build the foundation for what is important in life and what is not. I wanted help, but what was the first step.

Our mindset changes our entire lives. Our outlook on a certain thing can either make you or break you. That sounds cliché but its true. When you are alone you are forced to feel effortlessly. I have made a choice to act on my emotions. I distract myself as best as I could. But this time it is a unique type of distraction. They were not distractions that I planned or thought out. They just happened naturally. Nothing was forced. This time is different. They have become distractions that help me connect with myself. Ones that help me paint a clearer picture of who I am and what I like. Those feelings arise my mother and I are laughing so hard we are clenching onto our stomachs. During that time everything seems okay. Or when it begins raining so much and you can smell the trees and grass aroma in the air. Small moments like those. Living in the moment and not thinking about what tomorrow holds. Then and there you realize that as humans we complicate life. It is so simple. Appreciating all the little things I did not Those things are the most essential in my growth process. It became a validation of my self-worth.

 I call them split seconds. Anxiety can be running through your mind and body all day. Sometimes you physically feel tired, because emotionally you are beating yourself up. But for that split second you know everything will be okay. You realize that everything is destined to happen for a reason, and you are not put onto this world just for anything. You create a path of validation for yourself. You learn how to water those feelings and push yourself forward. You are meant to create change. You are meant to pass down knowledge and share ideas. We have so much to offer as beings but sometimes distractions allow us to think otherwise. We all need to find our split second. It just might save us all.